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Monday, October 1, 2012

The Problem with Modesty....

 Is that it looks different for everyone! How each of us live this conviction out, will look different because God created us all to be different. And this has created a problem for me!

**WARNING: I'm about to get really frank and REALLY personal. Some of you may get offended by this...**

You see, I have always dressed how I  wanted to dress without any thought of how it made other see me or how it would affect them. So when I felt the conviction of modesty and did some research (mainly reading other Christian modest blogs), I immediately thought that I had to look like them and do what they did. I mean, after all, they were home school moms too and they all looked  like they had it ALL figured out.
So I threw out all of my pants, high heels, heavy makeup, grew my hair out long donned a denim jumper, refused to watch secular TV or listen to secular music and waited for things to fix themselves.....
But to my surprise, everything got worse! And I had no clue why, I mean I was doing everything right! I looked the part, I was homeschooling, and I was saying "no" to the things I was "supposed" to being saying no to. So why was my whole family miserable? Why was I constantly snapping at and losing my patience with my husband and my children?!
In my own selfish/self righteous world, it was because I was the only one who was being "set apart" from the world and the only one who was "dying to self". If Mr.B wasn't happy, it was because HE was the sinner, not me! And the boys? Well, they just didn't know any better!!
 I would get on my knees and BEG God to change THEM because they "just weren't doing the right things"!
 Things weren't horrible (please don't misunderstand me!) but did I really want to look back on my life and say, "Well things weren't horrible!" NO! I want to look back and say, "Wow! My life was amazing!"
I became so frustrated because I would read the Bible or hear a sermon and feel the conviction to live a life that isn't conformed to this world...I was so confused. If this is how we were supposed to be living, why wasn't it working?!

So I gave up....I bought some new skinny jeans, chopped all my hair off, got out cable hooked back up and tuned in to the local top 40 station on the radio.
But the weight on conviction was heavy in the back of my mind. It was like the elephant in the room that no one else could see. When I would look at myself in the mirror, I would see the old me. The me that didn't know any better. But this time, I did know better.Sure I felt more comfortable living like this...because it was easy.
And yet, I was still miserable. I was still critical of my husband, except instead of being critical of his television choices I would find other things. There was always something that someone else was doing that they weren't doing "right"!
I was being "me" again- the "me" that everyone else likes, but I felt hollow...and guilty.
So I did what I should have done in the first place...I prayed! I begged God to show me what to do! I asked Him, "what was I doing wrong?""Where did I go wrong?""Why weren't we happy?"
I didn't hear a booming voice from Heaven, nor did I hear His still,small voice.
So I got on here Friday night and rambled, and wrote this. Reading it now, I realize I wasn't writing it to you-my readers. I was writing out my prayer- my frustrated, confused prayer. And then I felt it, that peace "that passes all understanding". It was like He was saying, "Becky don't worry, I got this!"

The very next day I came across this blog The Peaceful Wife (if you have the time,please read this testimony. I could have written it myself! The first half anyway!!) I devoured her videos and all of her posts.
And then it hit me-- I am the one who needs to change! I can't control anyone, but myself. I didn't even realize I had the desire to control anyone! But that's what I was doing when I would stand there in my modest attire and criticize my husband!! NOTHING modest about that!

I was FLOORED!! and completely humbled... I cried my eyes out in shame. And then I once again began to beg God for change. But this time, I was begging Him to change me...
In the beginning of this journey to become a Titus 2 woman, it was more about doing/saying the things that I thought I was "supposed" to being saying/doing. But now, I have realized it's about being me...but a better me--a more Christ-like me (isn't that our goal as Christians?). I am still a piece of work, I have not "arrived". I mess up...alot! And I'm sure I will backslide again, but that is what God's  beautiful grace is for!
God doesn't want us all to look like we came from a cookie cutter. That would undermine his beautiful design. He created us all different...on purpose!
So now I am working on me (or should I say, GOD is working on me!). I'm not worried about anyone else ("let go, and let God" right?), their convictions are between them and God. Our relationship with our Savior is a personal one and not for me or anyone else to judge.
And while I don't feel like I have to wear a  denim jumper to be modest, I still feel like skirts are more modest. I want my rear to be out of view, people! LOL
But do I feel like I need to have waist length hair? No, but I probably will grow it out again, for femininity's sake ;) Do I have to wear skirts to the floor? No, but I do love me a maxi! As far as jewelry, I've never been one for a lot of jewelry anyway!
So that's what's going on with me! I'm learning to be comfortable being this "new creation" and learning to let go of the "glory days". God has better plans for me, than I EVER had for myself :) So I know if I work on me, and give him everything and everyone else- He'll take care of it!
I'm in a good place!!

P.S- My blog friend Jacie over at Munah's Cupcake wrote a similar post a few weeks ago. Please go check it out and tell her I sent you! She's a gem!

Oh, and I've linked up for "Modest Monday" with <center><a href="


Erika @ Slowly Natural said...

Amen, sister! Great words of wisdom and I'm so glad you figured it out! Visiting from the blog hop, I'd love for you to drop by my page:

Jenny said...

The whole modesty thing is a hard lesson to learn! When I sought out modest dress, I wore skirts exclusively...wanted to look older and "very feminine"...totally sent me into a semi-depression, and then I finally realized if it's not about the heart first and clothing 2nd, I'm missing the point. I'm now really loving wearing skirts and jeans/with tunic tops, but working daily on humbling myself and modifying this heart of mine. Keeping the clothing fun and slightly funky, just like I like it, hair short and cute, makeup and jewelry fine, but definitely more comfortable with my overall trying to pretend to be a copy of someone elses version. :) Blessings to you! Jenny

bboles said...

Thanks for visiting Erika! and thanks for the encouragment!! It's been a long road to figure this out! I'll definately check your blog out.

bboles said...

Jenny, it has been SO hard! I like fun and funky too, so now I'm trying to figure out how to do that modestly! I completely agree with you not being a version of someone else. He wants us to be who he created us to be! Thanks for stopping by!

tlynn said...

I really enjoyed reading your post! I found you through Modest Mom. It's almost like I wrote this post! Same with your "dream" post. wow! Everything I have been going through the past year. Thanks for the encouragement. I definitely need to be in prayer over this.. Thanks again for sharing!

bboles said...

tlynn, I'm so glad you found encouragment here! That makes my day! I know the feeling of reading something someone else has wrote and thinking I could have written it! That's how I felt when I read The Peaceful Wife's testimony (well, the first half anyway, I'm working on the second part lol)I will definately be praying for you!As far as my "dream", I'll let you know if a few years if it comes to pass or not. I guess that's the ultimate test! Blessings to you, sister!

Jacie said...

I'd like to see a picture of you in that denim jumper..... :)